Preparing chickens for the fry pan.

I know I've already mentioned the butchering of chickens as one of the many farm family activities involving  my mother.  However, in the event that one of the ten readers of this blog is planning to raise and eat chickens in the future, following is a detailed, no fail, essential instruction sheet for success in this venture. If you follow these instructions, a delicious meal of fried chickens will be the result.

CAUTION, CAUTION, Viewer discretion is advised.  These instructions may be offensive to some viewers.  If you are a member of PETA it may be wise to stop reading at this point.

Instruction #1 - It is far better to butcher a chicken in the evening.  The chickens have roosted and you can quickly grab a chicken off the roost. If you prefer to do this in daylight hours, be prepared for a lengthy chase around the farm yard.

Instruction #2 - Choosing the chicken to be your next delicious meal.  You never choose a chicken to be your next meal if the chicken is laying eggs.  There are two ways of determining this.  One, you can move a chair into the chicken house and for twenty-four hours closely watch whether or not the chicken lays an egg.  This is the preferred method for those of you who have way to much time on your hands.  But, this method interferes with watching your favorite soup box drama or sporting event on TV.  Why, you ask.
 Because there is no TV in the chicken house.

The second way to determine if a chicken is laying eggs may be a bit repulsive to some of the human female gender. You simply grab the chicken, turn it upside down, and feel for two bones in the rear-end of the chicken. Remember, you are looking for bones only.  Don't become intrigued or confused as to why you are examining  the rear-end  of the chicken.  If the two bones are close together, the chicken is not laying eggs and should be scheduled for the cooking pot.  If, on the other hand, the two bones are well separated  you can assume that the chicken is now laying eggs and should be given preferential treatment.

Instruction #3 - Choosing the method of killing the chicken.  Some farmers prefer using a chopping block.  They have placed a large tree-stump near the chicken house.  They also have a sharp ax close at hand and when the correct chicken is identified,  -- chop! off goes the head. On the other hand some farmers do not have a tree stump available and have a hard time locating any tools including an ax.  Therefore, they simply grab the chicken firmly by the head and swing it around over their head.  After a few swings the head of the chicken departs form the body.  Either of these methods are equally effective.  See, I warned all PETA members and those easily offended,  not read this blog.

Instruction #4 - It is preferable to have an assistant while butchering the chicken.  The reason for this is that the chicken refuses to die peacefully.  Once the head is separated, the chicken does not lie down gracefully, but rather flip-flops around the farmyard looking for its lost head.  Some times the flip-flops moves the chicken some distance from the point of the butchering.  Since this butchering mostly occurs at night the chicken can easily be lost. The assistant can keep track of each of the butchered chickens.

Instruction #5 - What do you do with feathers?  I've never heard of anyone eating the feathers, therefore they must be removed before the chicken is fried.  As the chickens were being "butchered" a large kettle of boiling water is being prepared on a stove in the farm house.   The butchered chickens are returned to the house and then placed in the boiling water for a short time.  The purpose of this is that the feathers can then be removed very quickly and easily.  Without this step, it would take several hours to removed all the feathers from a single chicken.  These feathers are usually saved and used to fill future pillows and cushions.

Instruction #6 - What about the insides of the chicken?  Good question.  We certainly do not want the insides to be included as part of the fried chicken.  This is quickly solved by a few precise strokes of a sharp knife.  The chicken is quickly "degutted" and the insides are fed to any cats or dogs that may be hanging around. Some farmers salvage the gizzard and heart claiming these parts are especially tasty.

This completes the instructions for preparing a chicken for the frying pan.  If you feel these instructions qualify as a civic service then a monetary donation will not be rejected.  However, if this message causes you to vomit and be thoroughly disgusted, then I don't want to hear about it. You were warned and therefore you don't stand a chance in Hell of winning a legal suit against the author of this blog.