The BB Gun
When I was eight years old my Dad bought me a BB gun. I was given a few basic rules such as never point the gun at people; never shoot at good birds such as robins, bluebirds and canaries; and never shoot at glass insulators on the telephone poles. It was all right to shoot at sparrows, blackbirds and magpies. I believe I usually abided by these rules.
But I remember one time when I not only pointed the BB gun at a person but I actually shot at that person. I was sitting up in a tree house that I had built in a large tree that was located in our front yard. As I was busy shooting at Sparrows, a pretty young girl came walking along the ditch bank at the front of our house. She seemed to be looking for something in the ditch. For some reason I felt inspired to shoot her. The ditch bank was about seventy-five feet away from my tree house and I shot at her ten or twelve times but always missed. I was aiming at the lower part of her body and had no intention of really harming her. I just wanted to sting her a bit.
Some years latter I was dating this girl. She mentioned that one time she was walking past our home going to the rodeo. I asked her if she was looking for something in the ditch. She replied that she had previously seen a muskrat and was curious if it was still there. She asked "How did you know I was looking in the ditch?" "I noticed you and was overcome with your beauty", I replied. I may be dumb but I'm not stupid. I think if she had known I was shooting at her, she would never have dated me in the future. Yup, that girl was Joan, who I not only dated, but later married. I am sure that if I had hit her she would never have married someone who was so stupid to attempt to hit anyone with a BB gun.
The school Operetta
Every year the grade school presented a school operetta. This year it was Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. I was certain that with my voice I would be caste as the prince. Evidently my audition did not go well, since I was not chosen as the prince and I wasn't even chosen as one of the seven dwarfs. I was chosen, however, as a member of a backup group that was dressed in "long john" underwear that the mothers had to dye black. We had a black hood, with eye and mouth holes, placed over our heads and were allowed to sing one song. After the performance my mother told me I had performed exceptionally well. Later in life she told me she absolutely was unable to identify me. So much for my musical career.
The times tables
I also learned the times tables through twelve in the third grade. Most of the credit for this belongs with my sister, Buffie. I had let it slip that I was supposed to learn the tables. Even though I didn't take this assignment seriously, Buffie did. I can still remember sitting on the kitchen counter and reciting the times tables to her each day after we both had returned home from school. She wouldn't let me go out and play until we had spent some time practicing. Eventually I learned them perfectly. I wonder if today eight year old students have to memorize the times tables through 12? They probably just learn how turn on their smart phones.
Grandpa's Wisdom, an explanation of life. If I knew the real author, I'd have give him or her credit.
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years. 'The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, be merry and enjoy your life. For this I'll give you twenty years.' But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God. 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
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