An important discovery
I was in the third grade and discovered if I listened carefully, and concentrated, I could actually learn what the teacher was trying to teach us. I remember that day vividly. It seems the teacher had been droning on for hours about something and my mind had been wandering miles away.
When I finally came back to reality, I wondered what she had been talking about and decided to experiment. I would listen carefully and try to understand. I didn't think it would work but I would give it a try. What a surprise; I actually learned something. My schooling to this point had consisted of just being present. I now started to learn a few things and school started to be more fun.
The Ink Blob
Even though I started to learn a few things in school, I was actually a very slow learner in other areas of my life. Let me elaborate. One of the prizes I received in a box of Cracker Jacks was a small piece of metal that was painted black and shaped just like ink that had been spilled onto the surface of a table. The instructions said that the sight of that "ink blob" would cause your mother to suffer a terrific shock. That sounded fun.
One day my mother was preparing to entertain some of her friends. She had covered the table with her very special tablecloth and then left to go to the store. I analyzed the situation and decided this was the perfect time to shock my mother. I tried to find an empty ink bottle but was unsuccessful Naturally the next best solution was to use a full bottle of ink but make certain that the lid was screwed on very tight. The ink bottle was tipped on its side and the ink blob was carefully placed next to the bottle. It really looked realistic.
Mother soon returned from the store and as she walked into the room spied the "spilled" ink. She screamed and rushed to pick up the bottle. Sure enough, the joke had worked just like the Cracker Jack box said it would. My mother had suffered a terrific shock. I was delighted. I had scared the be-jabbers out of my mother. She didn't think it was as funny as I did.
Now for the rest of the story. I can't believe I was so dumb. Some six months or so later I happened to find my "ink blob" in my box of treasures. It must have been a slow day because I decided that my mother would have probably forgotten all about this joke. The process was repeated. The ink bottle was tipped on its side and the ink blob was carefully place. Mother came into the room, spied the ink bottle and completely ignored it. She walked out of the room for a few minutes but when she returned she noticed that the ink blob seemed to be growing. This did cause a reaction on her part. She gabbed the ink bottle and you guessed it. It had leaked real ink on the table..
My mother took this occasion to explain to me that she had serious concerns about the level of my intelligence. She also took possession of my ink blob and I never saw it again.
Grand Pa, regarding old age.
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know I sometimes just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my area code number, my telephone number, my passwords (most times), my zip code, my street address, my wives first name, etc. but I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
My elderly female friend gave up jogging for health because she said "her thighs kept rubbing together and setting her pantyhose on fire."
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
I'm looking for a new doctor. My old doctor said that the handle on my recliner does not qualify as an exercise machine.
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