1942, 12 yeas old
I'm now 12 years old and in the 7th grade in junior high school. The teacher of 7th grade was a good enough teacher but had a habit that was irritating to me. He would orally discuss a subject and then turn his back on the class and write a recap of the subject on the blackboard. This would take four or five minutes. I know students retain far more of a lesson if two of the senses are used (sight and hearing) than if only one sense (hearing) is used. But I thought the four or five minutes that the teacher spent writing the recap was a waste of time. I thought the teacher should have previously written the recap on posters that he could have quickly places on the board. I thought perhaps he should have put these posters on the board before he started his lecture.
One day I happened to have an elastic band with me. There was plenty of paper available and I had a goodly supply of saliva, so I prepared an excellent, gooey "spit-wad". The next time the teacher turned his back to write, I took careful aim and let go. In spite of my careful aim I missed the target. The spit-wad zipped past his ear and splatted on the black board in front of his face. The teacher spun around and demanded to know who had shot that spit-wad. I didn't confess my sin and none of the other students ratted on me. I was home free.
After class I was standing with some friends a short distance from the class room bragging about how I had successfully launched a spit-wad and avoided being caught. Suddenly, I noticed a look of terror on the faces of my friends. It only took me a few seconds to realize why this look. I slowly turned around and there stood the teacher with the biggest grin on his face I had ever seen. He said, "Give me a few minutes to decide what your punishment will be. I'll announce this in class." He then strode off and I could hear him laughing hysterically all the way down the hall.
When class reconvened, the teacher said, "I have determined that Mister Hatch was the guilty spit-wad shooter. As a penalty, Mr. Hatch will have to write a fifty page history of the Civil War. If this report is not submitted before the end of the term, Mr. Hatch will receive a failing grade for this class." I guess the teacher thought this assignment would keep me so busy I wouldn't have time for any more mischievousness. He probably also thought that such a penalty would certainly discourage any other member of the class from doing anything so dumb.
One good result of this incident was that I became completely fascinated with the history of the Civil War. The assignment became a privilege rather than a penalty. The more I researched the subject the more interesting it became. I learned about the many battles and the number of casualties from these battles. I learned of the many families and communities that were split; fathers fighting against sons; brothers fighting against brothers; neighbors fighting against neighbors. I learned of the obstacles and political problems that President Lincoln had to endure.
I finished the assignment and on the last day of the school term submitted it I also thanked the teacher for the opportunity of studying about the Civil War. I don't think he believed me. I think he thought I was just a typical juvenile delinquent with an attitude that would prevent me from ever finishing high school.
Grandpa's advice
If you ever dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
When you talk about someone behind their back, their back will be right behind you.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
Live a good, honorable life. Then, when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
In two months I'll turn 83. But remember, that's only 28 celsius
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Oh Brother, More Foolishness
12 years old.
In July of 1942, when I turned twelve years old, I was promoted to a more responsible group in our church. Unfortunately, very little wisdom or spirituality accompanied me to this new assignment. I was still as light minded as ever.
From some source I had obtained a plastic tube about twelve inches long and had used this tube to shoot dried beans at various targets. By putting a bean in the end of the tube, and then blowing hard into the tube, the bean would be projected toward the target at a good rate of speed. In other words, it stung when it hit the target in the back of the head.
One Sunday morning, I decided to take this tube to church with me. Perhaps I could infuse some excitement into the various church meetings. I couldn't find any beans in my mother's kitchen, but I did locate some dried corn that worked just as well. So off to church I went with my "bean shooter", correction with my "corn shooter" and a goodly supply of dried corn. Generally, young people my age attended at least three classes. That day was almost as fun as attending a double feature at the Saturday matinee. I found a seat on the last row and shot every member of the first class at least once. I accomplished the same thing during the second class. Since I would quickly lower the tube and look innocent, no one knew from whence the corn was coming.
During the third meetings I shot at various targets other than the back of someones head. It wasn't as much fun but the last meeting was attended by older youths and adults and I was a wee bit intimidated. By the end of the day I was completely happy. I hadn't learned one thing about the Gospel. But I had made the church classes much more exciting. And as far as I could tell, I had remained completely anonymous. Oh what a dope. How could I think that after shooting many of those in attendance at church that day, no one would know who was responsible for this idiocy.
The following week when I arrived at church, I was summoned to the Bishop's office for a special "interview." The Bishop explained that it required many members of the Church to go throughout the chapel picking up dried corn. He also emphasized that this type of behavior was totally unacceptable in the "Lord's House" and it must never occur again. I assured the Bishop that it would not occur again and was ashamed that it had happened at all.
For the first time in my life I finally learned a new philosophy. i.e. You refrain from doing a bad thing simply because it is bad. I'm afraid in the past, whether or not I did something bad, depended upon the possibility or not of getting caught.
I tried mightily to remember this philosophy in the future. But I was only partly successful.
Grandpa's wisdom and humor -
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the groom wearing black"?
Have you ever noticed that the other line always moves faster. This applies to all lines: bank tellers, checkout at the grocery stores, entrance to sporting events, movie theater lines, etc. And don't try to change lines. The other line -- the one you were in originally-- will then move faster."
Grandpa at the breakfast table: I read an interesting fact in the paper this morning.
Grandma: after a long pause and complete silence. said "AND"
Grandpa: I wish I could remember what it was.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Search for a downed military plane.
Age 12, 1942
A military airplane had disappeared somewhere over the Ashley National Forest north of Vernal. The military dispatched a fleet of Civil Air Patrol planes to Vernal to conduct a search. These were small, two-passenger, planes which were piloted by civilian pilots who were donating their time to conduct the search. Vernal seldom saw a single airplane and now there were fifteen to twenty planes flying in and out of the Vernal airport.
Incidentally the airport was only a pasture where someone had planted a pole which held a wind sock. The pasture was adequate for the small Piper Cub or T-Craft planes being used for the search. The only problem occurred when several days of rain occurred. Then the pasture became too muddy for planes to take off or land.
There was always a crowd gathered at the "airport" when the planes were taking off or landing. There was also always a group of young boys wandering among the planes after they had been parked. Every one of these boys dreamed of the future when they would be old enough to join the U.S. Air Force and fly planes all over the world.
These small airplanes were ancient compared to today's jets. For example, the air speed of the small aircraft was measured by a small tube that extended from a forward point under a wing to the airspeed gauge in the instrument panel in the cockpit. The faster the plane traveled, the greater was the force of the wind entering the tube and this resulted in the speedometer showing the faster speed. A group of four or five friends and myself were wandering among the parked airplanes. The doors to the cockpit were, of course, always locked but we could peak through the side windows. As we were examining one of the planes, someone discovered the small tube and wondered why and what it was. Since I was enamored with any airplane and had read extensively about airplanes, I knew why the tube was there. With a great deal of superiority, I explained the purpose of the tube.
Now what do you suppose the next logical step was for a group of young, mentally retarded, twelve year old boys? Someone wondered if we could blow into the tube hard enough to register on the speedometer. We quickly experimented and found when one of us blew into the tube, the speedometer quickly displayed this speed. This in turn developed into a contest to see who could "blow the fastest"
Before a champion could be declared, however, the pilot returned to the his plane and discovered what was going on with his airplane. He was absolutely furious. He screamed at us. He threatened to have us all arrested for molesting government property. He whined to the other pilots that he may not know his air speed during take offs and landings. He insisted that a guard be posted to keep such dumb boys from getting near the parked airplanes. It seems his concern was that the boys may have been blowing saliva as well as air. The pilot was concerned that this saliva may have damaged the speedometer. We made a hasty retreat. However, since no airplane crashed during take offs or landings, we assumed we had not caused any damage.
Grandpa's wisdom -
Advic from a farmer friend: Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
It doesn't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
If Biblical headlines were written by today's liberal media.
On healing the 10 lepers:
Local Doctor's Practice Ruined.
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
Fundamentalist Preacher Raises A Stink
On David vs. Goliath:
Hate Crime Kills Beloved Champion.
God bless yo'all and have fun today.
Memories of WW II
11 years old.
Just before 8 a.m. on December 7, 1941, hundreds of Japanese aircraft attacked the American naval base at Pearl Harbor near Honolulu, Hawaii. The barrage lasted just two hours, but it was devastating. The Japanese managed to destroy nearly 20 American naval vessels, including eight enormous battleships, and almost 200 airplanes. More than 2000 American soldiers and sailors died in the attack, and another 1,000 were wounded. The day after the assault, President Franklin D. Roosevelt asked Congress to declare war on Japan. Congress approved his declaration with just one dissenting vote.
On December 11, 1941, the U.S. declares war on Germany.
Our normal lifestyle quickly started to change. Young single men (eighteen years old) began to be drafted into the armed forces. Soon after, the draft was extended to young married men. Many of these young men were killed in action. Husbands and wives were separated, many for as long as three or four years. I had a cousin who enlisted in the air force and served as a pilot in England for the duration of the war. He left a wife and one small son at home. A sad thing happened while he was gone. His wife became involved with another man and filed for divorce. Even at my young age I appreciated how this situation must have been as heart wrenching as any thing that could happen.
Whenever a member of a family left home to serve in the military, the family was given a poster containing a large blue star that designated that a member of that family was serving in the military. Later when a dreaded telegram was received by the family which began, "We regret to inform you", a gold star was issued to the family that indicated that a loved one had been killed while in military service. We could walk down the street and by looking at the front window, tell if a member of that family was presently serving in the military or if a member had been killed in the war. Some families had both stars in their front window.
There was limited protests against the war. All the population became involved in the war effort. A few of these efforts were:
Gasoline was rationed. Each family was given coupons that were needed to buy gasoline.
Meat was rationed. Each family was given food stamps.
Housewives saved all grease that was left after frying meat. This was used to manufacture munitions.
All school children gathered milkweed pods; used to manufacture life preservers.
All commercial construction was halted. The materials were needed for military projects.
Silk stockings disappeared from the stores. Silk was needed to produce parachutes.
Grandpa's wisdom - money.
Money can buy a house, but not a home.
It can buy a clock, but not time.
It can buy a position, but not respect.
It can buy you a bed, but not sleep.
It can buy you a book, but not knowledge.
It can buy you medicine, but not health.
It can buy you a heart transplant, but not true love.
It can buy you blood, but not life.
So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you this because I am your friend. And as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering! So send me all your money, and I will suffer for you. Cash only please! No checks or money orders. After all, what are friends for???
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Work or die
Age 9, 1939
Well I may be exaggerating a wee bit, but I was forced to work. Both my parents seemed to be cooperating in the effort to at least slightly acquaint me with work.
My mother insisted that my bedroom be cleaned each week. Since I was the only one that slept in that room, I was selected to perform the weekly cleaning. Each Saturday, before I could go out and play the bedroom had to be cleaned. Now listen to this: the cleaning consisted of shaking two small place rugs, sweeping the floor, dusting a dresser and making my bed. Even at a leisurely pace those chores could be completed in about fifteen minutes. But at my working pace, I usually finished just in time for lunch and complained every minute. I can imagine my mother rolling her eyes and thinking this is the laziest child that was ever born. She once told me that if I were in the seventh year of the seven-year itch, I would still be scratching year number one.
My father obviously felt he had to contribute to my discomfort. I was assigned the weekly job of picking the dandelions in the front lawn. Dad would remind me as he went off to open his small grocery store that today was the day to pick dandelions. Remember, at this time there were no sprays that would kill the dandelion with one application. Also there were no neat little tools that would dig the whole plant out of the ground. We just picked the blossoms week after week throughout the summer. Actually this was not a major project. If a dedicated effort had been made, the job could have been finished in twenty to thirty minutes. But my working speed in those days was slightly slower. If I were lucky the dandelions would be picked just before dad came home for lunch.
I felt that a little rest and rehabilitation was necessary between the picking of each blossom. And so the morning was spent picking a dandelion, shooting my BB gun at a sparrow, picking a dandelion, playing catch with a friend who happened by, picking a dandelion, racing boats down the irrigation ditch that ran in front of our house and otherwise experiencing the sweet and sour portions of life. I think this is what the scriptures refer to as having opposition in all things.
One morning I felt that there must be an easier way to get rid of the dandelion blossoms. Maybe if I just stomped on them. The fact that it was much harder to stomp each plant into extinction than it was to pick the blossom never entered my mind. I spent most of the morning stomping every dandelion I could find in the lawn. The neighbors wondered what on earth was going on at the Hatches. That crazy kid had spent three hours stomping on the lawn. I didn't care what they thought. By the time I was through stomping, there was not a dandelion to be seen. I was so proud of my ingenuity and promptly went off to play. Dad was able to come home for lunch and then take a short nap before going back to the store. Do you know that by the time he left to return to the store that every one of those little buggers (the dandelions) had recovered and was waving gloriously in the breeze.
Dad expressed his disappointment that I had ignored his request and said those dandelions had better be picked by the time he came home that evening. So I spent the rest of the day picking a dandelion, shooting my BB gun, picking a dandelion, playing catch, etc. etc. etc.
Grandpa's quotes regarding politics and politicians.
Since I was not too proficient at working, maybe I'll become a politician. Following are some pungent thought about politics in general.
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have - Thomas Jefferson.
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley, Artist
Talk is cheap . . . except when Congress does it - Unknown
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class . . . save Congress. - Mark Twain
Well I may be exaggerating a wee bit, but I was forced to work. Both my parents seemed to be cooperating in the effort to at least slightly acquaint me with work.
My mother insisted that my bedroom be cleaned each week. Since I was the only one that slept in that room, I was selected to perform the weekly cleaning. Each Saturday, before I could go out and play the bedroom had to be cleaned. Now listen to this: the cleaning consisted of shaking two small place rugs, sweeping the floor, dusting a dresser and making my bed. Even at a leisurely pace those chores could be completed in about fifteen minutes. But at my working pace, I usually finished just in time for lunch and complained every minute. I can imagine my mother rolling her eyes and thinking this is the laziest child that was ever born. She once told me that if I were in the seventh year of the seven-year itch, I would still be scratching year number one.
My father obviously felt he had to contribute to my discomfort. I was assigned the weekly job of picking the dandelions in the front lawn. Dad would remind me as he went off to open his small grocery store that today was the day to pick dandelions. Remember, at this time there were no sprays that would kill the dandelion with one application. Also there were no neat little tools that would dig the whole plant out of the ground. We just picked the blossoms week after week throughout the summer. Actually this was not a major project. If a dedicated effort had been made, the job could have been finished in twenty to thirty minutes. But my working speed in those days was slightly slower. If I were lucky the dandelions would be picked just before dad came home for lunch.
I felt that a little rest and rehabilitation was necessary between the picking of each blossom. And so the morning was spent picking a dandelion, shooting my BB gun at a sparrow, picking a dandelion, playing catch with a friend who happened by, picking a dandelion, racing boats down the irrigation ditch that ran in front of our house and otherwise experiencing the sweet and sour portions of life. I think this is what the scriptures refer to as having opposition in all things.
One morning I felt that there must be an easier way to get rid of the dandelion blossoms. Maybe if I just stomped on them. The fact that it was much harder to stomp each plant into extinction than it was to pick the blossom never entered my mind. I spent most of the morning stomping every dandelion I could find in the lawn. The neighbors wondered what on earth was going on at the Hatches. That crazy kid had spent three hours stomping on the lawn. I didn't care what they thought. By the time I was through stomping, there was not a dandelion to be seen. I was so proud of my ingenuity and promptly went off to play. Dad was able to come home for lunch and then take a short nap before going back to the store. Do you know that by the time he left to return to the store that every one of those little buggers (the dandelions) had recovered and was waving gloriously in the breeze.
Dad expressed his disappointment that I had ignored his request and said those dandelions had better be picked by the time he came home that evening. So I spent the rest of the day picking a dandelion, shooting my BB gun, picking a dandelion, playing catch, etc. etc. etc.
Grandpa's quotes regarding politics and politicians.
Since I was not too proficient at working, maybe I'll become a politician. Following are some pungent thought about politics in general.
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have - Thomas Jefferson.
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. - Edward Langley, Artist
Talk is cheap . . . except when Congress does it - Unknown
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class . . . save Congress. - Mark Twain
Monday, May 20, 2013
Complete humiliation
1939, nine years old.
One of the lessons I learned during my early life was-- we will experience events that will result in our complete humiliation. Maybe that's not so bad. Maybe we need such events to remind us that we are not God's gift to humanity. Let me tell you about two events that were absolutely humiliating.
I was leaving a Saturday movie matinee. I still had ten cents in my pocket and that was just the right amount to purchase a bag of popcorn. I had paused outside the theater and started to eat the popcorn. A girl named Pearl Wallace came along and asked if she could have some of the popcorn. I told her she could have some popcorn only in her dreams. Pearl, who was two or three years older than I simply reached out and grabbed the bag and began to eat the popcorn. I grabbed the bag and we began a tug-of-war. I thought this had gone far enough and she should be disciplined. I took a wild swing at Pearl and she ducked beneath my fist and then gave me a hard push. I fell flat on my back and popcorn flew all over the sidewalk. Bear in mind, this occurred on a busy Saturday afternoon and half the population of Vernal seemed to be observing and thoroughly enjoying this event. Let me tell you, I was completely embarrassed and humiliated. I started to plan revenge, but one of my friends warned me that no one challenges Pearl. She had successfully survived being raised with two mean brothers. I was warned to just forget the whole incident. I did!
The second story - Dick Hullinger (my cousin) and I were playing in our front yard. Mother stuck her head out the door and said, "Lamby Pie, would you come here for a moment." Holy Toledo; my mother had called me lamby pie in front of one of my friends. I looked out the corner of my eye and Dick was rolling on the ground laughing. I could see him mouthing, lamby pie, lamby pie. I wanted to kill him. I went into the house and said to my mother, "never, never call me lamby pie in front of anyone again. She promised that she wouldn't, but it was too late. The damage had been done.
When I went back outdoors, Dick had disappeared. Before long he came back with the first person he could find who was another cousin, Keith Hatch. Then, they stood in front of our house and chanted "lamby pie, lamby pie." I was devastated. My best friend and cousin had betrayed me. I stood there desperately trying to think of something that would stop these insults. Finally in desperation I said, "Keith, I would rather that my mother call me lamby-pie than you little son-of-a-bitch which is what your mother calls you. Since Keith knew this was true he went sulking off and Dick followed. They never teased me again about lamby pie.
Grandpa's pertinent information: - Dumb things famous People said:
Senator Barry Goldwater while running for president in 1964 - "Many Americans don't like the simple things. That's what they have against we conservatives."
Governor Alf Landon on the campaign trail against FDR; "Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans."
Vice President Dan Quayle - "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or to not have a mind. How true that is."
Ronald Reagan - when asked what qualified him to be president: "I'm not smart enough to lie."
Another from Vice President Dan Quaylr - "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
Actress Brooke Shields offered this zen view on cigarettes: "Smoking kills, If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
One of the lessons I learned during my early life was-- we will experience events that will result in our complete humiliation. Maybe that's not so bad. Maybe we need such events to remind us that we are not God's gift to humanity. Let me tell you about two events that were absolutely humiliating.
I was leaving a Saturday movie matinee. I still had ten cents in my pocket and that was just the right amount to purchase a bag of popcorn. I had paused outside the theater and started to eat the popcorn. A girl named Pearl Wallace came along and asked if she could have some of the popcorn. I told her she could have some popcorn only in her dreams. Pearl, who was two or three years older than I simply reached out and grabbed the bag and began to eat the popcorn. I grabbed the bag and we began a tug-of-war. I thought this had gone far enough and she should be disciplined. I took a wild swing at Pearl and she ducked beneath my fist and then gave me a hard push. I fell flat on my back and popcorn flew all over the sidewalk. Bear in mind, this occurred on a busy Saturday afternoon and half the population of Vernal seemed to be observing and thoroughly enjoying this event. Let me tell you, I was completely embarrassed and humiliated. I started to plan revenge, but one of my friends warned me that no one challenges Pearl. She had successfully survived being raised with two mean brothers. I was warned to just forget the whole incident. I did!
The second story - Dick Hullinger (my cousin) and I were playing in our front yard. Mother stuck her head out the door and said, "Lamby Pie, would you come here for a moment." Holy Toledo; my mother had called me lamby pie in front of one of my friends. I looked out the corner of my eye and Dick was rolling on the ground laughing. I could see him mouthing, lamby pie, lamby pie. I wanted to kill him. I went into the house and said to my mother, "never, never call me lamby pie in front of anyone again. She promised that she wouldn't, but it was too late. The damage had been done.
When I went back outdoors, Dick had disappeared. Before long he came back with the first person he could find who was another cousin, Keith Hatch. Then, they stood in front of our house and chanted "lamby pie, lamby pie." I was devastated. My best friend and cousin had betrayed me. I stood there desperately trying to think of something that would stop these insults. Finally in desperation I said, "Keith, I would rather that my mother call me lamby-pie than you little son-of-a-bitch which is what your mother calls you. Since Keith knew this was true he went sulking off and Dick followed. They never teased me again about lamby pie.
Grandpa's pertinent information: - Dumb things famous People said:
Senator Barry Goldwater while running for president in 1964 - "Many Americans don't like the simple things. That's what they have against we conservatives."
Governor Alf Landon on the campaign trail against FDR; "Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans."
Vice President Dan Quayle - "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or to not have a mind. How true that is."
Ronald Reagan - when asked what qualified him to be president: "I'm not smart enough to lie."
Another from Vice President Dan Quaylr - "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
Actress Brooke Shields offered this zen view on cigarettes: "Smoking kills, If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Thursday, May 16, 2013
I loved movies
1939, age 9.
In 1939, movies started to assume a very important part of my life. I loved movies; all kinds of movies. Remember, at my age of 9 we did not have TV. Only movies and radio were available for information and entertainment. We did have a Victorolla that had to be wound by hand to play 78 records. But ours was broken so it didn't count. We had none of the miraculous inventions that young people can enjoy today.
Now back to movies. My parents would let me attend only one evening movie a week. The cost of this movie was twenty-five cents. Even that small admission cost was difficult to obtain. The Vogue Theater (the only movie theater in Vernal) showed three different movies a week. The best movie was shown on Sunday-Monday-Tuesday. A different movie was shown on Wednesday-Thursday and the third movie was shown on Friday-Saturday. What a dilemma! I had to choose which movie to see each week. I usually chose the best movie and went on Monday evening. This was my family home evening entertainment. Incidentally, I never heard the words, "Family Home Evening", until I had a family of my own. We certainly didn't have an official family home evening when I was young.
A miracle happened in Vernal.in early 1940. Another movie theater appeared, (The Main). Vernal now had two movie theaters. I felt like I had died and gone to heaven. There were now six movies each week from which to choose. Saturday, the day the Main Theater opened, a grand opening was held and all the movies were free. They showed three different movies, news, cartoons, and a serial. I was there when the doors opened and spent the next six hours in ecstasy. One of the movies starred Diana Durban. I fell in love with her and dropped my affection for Margaret O'Brien. "Sorry Margaret, but Diana was just as cute and in addition, she could sing.
The new theater started showing matinee's every Saturday. The admission was ten cents. Sometimes, if I behaved myself, I was allowed to attend the Saturday afternoon matinee. This matinee was a movie addicts bonanza. There was generally a double feature movie, a cartoon, the news, and a serial. For those of you who are unfamiliar with a serial, let me explain. A serial was an adventure or mystery story that was shown in weekly chapters. Each chapter lasted about fifteen minutes and a new chapter was shown each week for thirteen weeks. At the end of each chapter, the hero was in danger of being exterminated by such things as being thrown over a cliff or having a steel plate with long, sharp spikes slowly coming down or being crushed by a huge machine or being cut in half by a buzz saw, etc. etc. We had all week to worry how the hero was ever going to survive. Then the following week we had to go back to see how the hero escaped. I seldom (if ever) missed the matinee
Grandpa's - favorite poetry. All 'rit by Shel Silverstein
Hot Dog
I have a hot dog for a pet,
The only kind my folks would let me get.
He does smell sort of bad, and yet,
He absolutely never gets the sofa wet.
We have a butcher for a vet,
The strangest vet you ever met.
Guess we're the weirdest family yet,
To have a hot dog for a pet.
Hurk
I'd rather play tennis than go to the dentist.
I'd rather play soccer than go to the doctor.
I'd rather play Hurk than go to work.
Hurk? Hurk? What's Hurk?
I don't know. but it must be better than work.
Prayer Of The Selfish Child
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
And if I die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my toys to break.
So none of the other kids can use 'em . . .
Amen.
.
In 1939, movies started to assume a very important part of my life. I loved movies; all kinds of movies. Remember, at my age of 9 we did not have TV. Only movies and radio were available for information and entertainment. We did have a Victorolla that had to be wound by hand to play 78 records. But ours was broken so it didn't count. We had none of the miraculous inventions that young people can enjoy today.
Now back to movies. My parents would let me attend only one evening movie a week. The cost of this movie was twenty-five cents. Even that small admission cost was difficult to obtain. The Vogue Theater (the only movie theater in Vernal) showed three different movies a week. The best movie was shown on Sunday-Monday-Tuesday. A different movie was shown on Wednesday-Thursday and the third movie was shown on Friday-Saturday. What a dilemma! I had to choose which movie to see each week. I usually chose the best movie and went on Monday evening. This was my family home evening entertainment. Incidentally, I never heard the words, "Family Home Evening", until I had a family of my own. We certainly didn't have an official family home evening when I was young.
A miracle happened in Vernal.in early 1940. Another movie theater appeared, (The Main). Vernal now had two movie theaters. I felt like I had died and gone to heaven. There were now six movies each week from which to choose. Saturday, the day the Main Theater opened, a grand opening was held and all the movies were free. They showed three different movies, news, cartoons, and a serial. I was there when the doors opened and spent the next six hours in ecstasy. One of the movies starred Diana Durban. I fell in love with her and dropped my affection for Margaret O'Brien. "Sorry Margaret, but Diana was just as cute and in addition, she could sing.
The new theater started showing matinee's every Saturday. The admission was ten cents. Sometimes, if I behaved myself, I was allowed to attend the Saturday afternoon matinee. This matinee was a movie addicts bonanza. There was generally a double feature movie, a cartoon, the news, and a serial. For those of you who are unfamiliar with a serial, let me explain. A serial was an adventure or mystery story that was shown in weekly chapters. Each chapter lasted about fifteen minutes and a new chapter was shown each week for thirteen weeks. At the end of each chapter, the hero was in danger of being exterminated by such things as being thrown over a cliff or having a steel plate with long, sharp spikes slowly coming down or being crushed by a huge machine or being cut in half by a buzz saw, etc. etc. We had all week to worry how the hero was ever going to survive. Then the following week we had to go back to see how the hero escaped. I seldom (if ever) missed the matinee
Grandpa's - favorite poetry. All 'rit by Shel Silverstein
Hot Dog
I have a hot dog for a pet,
The only kind my folks would let me get.
He does smell sort of bad, and yet,
He absolutely never gets the sofa wet.
We have a butcher for a vet,
The strangest vet you ever met.
Guess we're the weirdest family yet,
To have a hot dog for a pet.
Hurk
I'd rather play tennis than go to the dentist.
I'd rather play soccer than go to the doctor.
I'd rather play Hurk than go to work.
Hurk? Hurk? What's Hurk?
I don't know. but it must be better than work.
Prayer Of The Selfish Child
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
And if I die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my toys to break.
So none of the other kids can use 'em . . .
Amen.
.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Wish I was a single girl again
Unfortunately, most of us will have a great or great great granddaughter that has decided that a certain young man is just the right man for her. In most cases the young man is an absolute ZERO. Following is a country-western song that was popular is my younger days. Jo Stafford made a best selling record of this song. If it won't convince your sweet little grand daughter that she is making a mistake, nothing will. I can't remember the melody, but I've never forgotten the lyrics.
When I was a single girl, I dressed in silks so fine,
Now I am a married girl, go ragged all the time,
Wish I was a single girl again.
When I was a single girl, every day was fun,
Now I am a married girl, work is never done.
Wish I was a single girl again.
When I was a single girl, I ate cherry pie,
Now I am a married girl, and eat corn bread or die.
Wish I was a single girl again.
When I was a single girl, I had shoes of the very best kind,
Now I am a married girl, go barefoot all the time.
Wish I was a single girl again.
When I was a single girl, I traveled all around,
Now I am a married girl, can't even get to town.
Wish I was a single girl again.
When I was a single girl, used to go to the store and buy,
Now I am a married girl, just rock the cradle and cry.
Wish I was a single girl again.
When a fella comes a courtin' you, and sits you on his knee,
Keep your eye upon the sparrow that flits from tree to tree.
And you'll never have to wish you were a single girl then,
I wish I was a single girl again.
When I was a single girl, I dressed in silks so fine,
Now I am a married girl, go ragged all the time,
Wish I was a single girl again.
When I was a single girl, every day was fun,
Now I am a married girl, work is never done.
Wish I was a single girl again.
When I was a single girl, I ate cherry pie,
Now I am a married girl, and eat corn bread or die.
Wish I was a single girl again.
When I was a single girl, I had shoes of the very best kind,
Now I am a married girl, go barefoot all the time.
Wish I was a single girl again.
When I was a single girl, I traveled all around,
Now I am a married girl, can't even get to town.
Wish I was a single girl again.
When I was a single girl, used to go to the store and buy,
Now I am a married girl, just rock the cradle and cry.
Wish I was a single girl again.
When a fella comes a courtin' you, and sits you on his knee,
Keep your eye upon the sparrow that flits from tree to tree.
And you'll never have to wish you were a single girl then,
I wish I was a single girl again.
Memories of the Great Depression
The great depression started in 1929. I was born a year later in 1930. However the depression lasted until 1941. Even though I was a child during this time, I still have some vivid memories of this period. It was a terrible, discouraging time in our nation. It was especially trying for those families that lived in large cities. Many families went to bed hungry. The men didn't have a job; there was no food in the house and they lived on food that was given to them or went to a soup kitchen. Many times several families would move into the same house because of the shortage of rent money.
Since my family lived on a small farm, we never suffered from lack of food. I can never remember going to bed hungry. We raised most of our food and had plenty. What we didn't have was money. It was a real struggle for dad to save enough money to pay utilities and taxes. During all this time he remained a true Republican and blamed all his troubles on Franklin D. Roosevelt. The majority of the population blamed all the problems on Ex-President Hoover and thought that Franklin D. Roosevelt walked on water.
People actually picked up pennies in those days and felt they had found a treasure. Five cents was a treasure. You could buy an ice cream cone for five cents. Housewives could buy a spool of thread for five cents and made most of the clothing for the family. Many young women had the words, "Wild Turkey Flour" on the seat of their under pants. Empty flour sacks were never thrown away.
My parents could only afford to buy me one pair of shoes a year. Those shoes were worn to church, school and anywhere else shoes were required. Even though I went bare-footed during the summer, holes started to appear in the soles of my one pair of shoes by Christmas. I had my own system of solving this problem. First I would cut out the tongue of the shoe and place it in the bottom to cover the hole. This only lasted one or two days. The next step was to fold a sheet of the daily newspaper and stick it in the bottom of my shoes. I had the best read feet in the entire school. In the winter the paper would be completely wet by the time I reached school. I can remember how cold my feet would be during the rest of the day.
At some point during the winter Dad would accumulate enough money to have my shoes half-soled. This meant that a new sole was tacked over the original sole. The repairman would also put a new heel on the shoe. The new heel was a lot thicker than the half-sole so you you felt like you were always walking downhill. Such a process would also give you an immediate one-inch growth in height. This new half-sole would get me through the balance of the winter and spring until I could go bare-footed again.
Speaking of going bare-footed, this was shear torture during the first several weeks of Spring. Many roads and sidewalks were simply gravel. Have you ever walked on gravel without wearing shoes? It really smarts! However, after several weeks, tough calluses formed on the bottom of our feet and we could walk anywhere without discomfort.
Grandpa's wisdom - Some old-age and political advice.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P. J. O'Rouke
Since my family lived on a small farm, we never suffered from lack of food. I can never remember going to bed hungry. We raised most of our food and had plenty. What we didn't have was money. It was a real struggle for dad to save enough money to pay utilities and taxes. During all this time he remained a true Republican and blamed all his troubles on Franklin D. Roosevelt. The majority of the population blamed all the problems on Ex-President Hoover and thought that Franklin D. Roosevelt walked on water.
People actually picked up pennies in those days and felt they had found a treasure. Five cents was a treasure. You could buy an ice cream cone for five cents. Housewives could buy a spool of thread for five cents and made most of the clothing for the family. Many young women had the words, "Wild Turkey Flour" on the seat of their under pants. Empty flour sacks were never thrown away.
My parents could only afford to buy me one pair of shoes a year. Those shoes were worn to church, school and anywhere else shoes were required. Even though I went bare-footed during the summer, holes started to appear in the soles of my one pair of shoes by Christmas. I had my own system of solving this problem. First I would cut out the tongue of the shoe and place it in the bottom to cover the hole. This only lasted one or two days. The next step was to fold a sheet of the daily newspaper and stick it in the bottom of my shoes. I had the best read feet in the entire school. In the winter the paper would be completely wet by the time I reached school. I can remember how cold my feet would be during the rest of the day.
At some point during the winter Dad would accumulate enough money to have my shoes half-soled. This meant that a new sole was tacked over the original sole. The repairman would also put a new heel on the shoe. The new heel was a lot thicker than the half-sole so you you felt like you were always walking downhill. Such a process would also give you an immediate one-inch growth in height. This new half-sole would get me through the balance of the winter and spring until I could go bare-footed again.
Speaking of going bare-footed, this was shear torture during the first several weeks of Spring. Many roads and sidewalks were simply gravel. Have you ever walked on gravel without wearing shoes? It really smarts! However, after several weeks, tough calluses formed on the bottom of our feet and we could walk anywhere without discomfort.
Grandpa's wisdom - Some old-age and political advice.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. -- Winston Churchill
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P. J. O'Rouke
Friday, May 10, 2013
Blessings Galore
9 years old
The purpose of this blog is to describe how fortunate we are in this generation with water and electricity and sewer and natural gas connections.
I was born into a family where we were very fortunate to have access to water and electricity and gas connections. We did not have access to a sewer line but this became available later. In the meantime, sewage and waste bath water went into a pipe that led to a cesspool. We did have a toilet and bathtub, a gas furnace for heating the home, a gas water heater that furnished hot water, an electric operated washing machine for the clothes, an electric operated refrigerator, and electric outlets in every room. The electricity was provided by a city owned power plant that provided electricity to any home in the city that could afford it.
So you can see that I was born into an almost modern home (at least as far as the important, vital services were concerned). Because all of these services were already in the home when I was born, you may think that I took them for granted. Not so! I had a family of cousins that lived directly across the street from us. Since, I was present in their home a good amount of time, I was very familiar with their life style. Let me tell you about the lack of facilities in that family home:
Source of water
Since this family did not have access to the city water line, they had to obtain water from other sources.
This particular family had dug a well in their yard and obtained most of their water from that well. They also placed large wooden barrels under the rain spouts and captured rain water in these barrels. Other families built a cistern. (an underground tank for storing water). This cistern was simply an over sized well that was lined with concrete. They then hired a "water trucker" to refill this cistern when necessary. This trucker had a 1000 gallon tank placed on the back of his flat-bed truck. He would buy water from the city and resell it to the owner of the cistern. Since there was no water flowing through pipes into the house, it was necessary for someone with a bucket to haul water into the house as needed. Also, since they did not have flowing water into the house, they did not have a bath tub or toilet. When hot water was necessary for baths or washing clothes or cooking, the water had to be heated on the coal burning stove.
The washtub
Every household had a washtub. Washing clothes was done with a scrub board and a washtub. The washtub was also used as a bathtub. Adults just stood in the tub and enjoyed a spit bath. Young children could sit right down in the tub. The water was heated on the coal burning stove and then poured into the washtub.
The Weekly bath
The weekly bath was an interesting event. This event took place in the kitchen next to the coal burning stove where the water was being heated. Family baths were conducted in a galvanized steel washtub. This tub was fairly small with about a four-foot diameter. Some of my most enjoyable memories were of joining my cousins during the Saturday nigh bathing session. Families in those days bathed once a week whether they needed it or not. Only one of the older children could fit in the washtub at the same time After they had finished their baths, the next two of the younger boys would step into the same water and enjoy their baths. By the time the youngest child was finished, the water was fairly murky. Incidentally, that's where the saying,, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water", originated.
The toilet
If you had to use the toilet, the only solution was to walk the thirty or so yards to the "Outhouse." In the outhouse was a bench with a hole. This bench was about chair high. Even the most dense minded person could figure out what the hole was for. Some families had two holes in their outhouse. Their outhouse was thus called the "two-holler". Personally I could never figure out why two holes were necessary. Maybe it was necessary when diarrhea had struck the entire family at the same time. In that case the family would have probably needed a "four-holler".
The usual substitute for toilet tissue was a page torn out of last years copy of the Montgomery Ward catalogue.
The Kerosene Lamp.
Many households at this time did not have access to a power line. So the main source of light was to buy a kerosene lamp. These lamps are still available today and are used to provide light for hunters and campers in the wilderness. The lamps were a dependable, inexpensive source of light.
Some member of the community devised an innovative light source. I first became aware of this source as I riding with my father and noticed (as we passed one house) there was a electric wire extending from a power line into that house. I questioned my father about this and he quickly informed me that the people in that house were stealing electricity. He further explained that this was extremely dangerous. More than one person had been electrocuted as they attempted to tap into a power line. He also said the power company would only become aware of the theft as a neighbor or an employ of the power company noticed and reported the theft to the power company . The power company usually did not prosecute the thief since there was no meter involved and no one could determine how much electricity had been used. They just removed the illegal wire and tried to make it more difficult for the thief to commit the same theft in the future. They also submitted the name of the house owner to the police who promised to check the house on a regular basis.
Grandpa's wisdom -
The best way to prevent sagging is just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
A Good Senility Prayer- Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
My doctor told me to start my exercise program very gradually. So today I drove past a store that sells sweat pants.
The healthiest part of a donut is the hole. Unfortunately, you have to eat through the rest of the donut to get there.
A groaner - A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, the supply of the birds ran out, so the biologist had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he found two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
Grandpa loves all of you.
.
The purpose of this blog is to describe how fortunate we are in this generation with water and electricity and sewer and natural gas connections.
I was born into a family where we were very fortunate to have access to water and electricity and gas connections. We did not have access to a sewer line but this became available later. In the meantime, sewage and waste bath water went into a pipe that led to a cesspool. We did have a toilet and bathtub, a gas furnace for heating the home, a gas water heater that furnished hot water, an electric operated washing machine for the clothes, an electric operated refrigerator, and electric outlets in every room. The electricity was provided by a city owned power plant that provided electricity to any home in the city that could afford it.
So you can see that I was born into an almost modern home (at least as far as the important, vital services were concerned). Because all of these services were already in the home when I was born, you may think that I took them for granted. Not so! I had a family of cousins that lived directly across the street from us. Since, I was present in their home a good amount of time, I was very familiar with their life style. Let me tell you about the lack of facilities in that family home:
Source of water
Since this family did not have access to the city water line, they had to obtain water from other sources.
This particular family had dug a well in their yard and obtained most of their water from that well. They also placed large wooden barrels under the rain spouts and captured rain water in these barrels. Other families built a cistern. (an underground tank for storing water). This cistern was simply an over sized well that was lined with concrete. They then hired a "water trucker" to refill this cistern when necessary. This trucker had a 1000 gallon tank placed on the back of his flat-bed truck. He would buy water from the city and resell it to the owner of the cistern. Since there was no water flowing through pipes into the house, it was necessary for someone with a bucket to haul water into the house as needed. Also, since they did not have flowing water into the house, they did not have a bath tub or toilet. When hot water was necessary for baths or washing clothes or cooking, the water had to be heated on the coal burning stove.
The washtub
Every household had a washtub. Washing clothes was done with a scrub board and a washtub. The washtub was also used as a bathtub. Adults just stood in the tub and enjoyed a spit bath. Young children could sit right down in the tub. The water was heated on the coal burning stove and then poured into the washtub.
The Weekly bath
The weekly bath was an interesting event. This event took place in the kitchen next to the coal burning stove where the water was being heated. Family baths were conducted in a galvanized steel washtub. This tub was fairly small with about a four-foot diameter. Some of my most enjoyable memories were of joining my cousins during the Saturday nigh bathing session. Families in those days bathed once a week whether they needed it or not. Only one of the older children could fit in the washtub at the same time After they had finished their baths, the next two of the younger boys would step into the same water and enjoy their baths. By the time the youngest child was finished, the water was fairly murky. Incidentally, that's where the saying,, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water", originated.
The toilet
If you had to use the toilet, the only solution was to walk the thirty or so yards to the "Outhouse." In the outhouse was a bench with a hole. This bench was about chair high. Even the most dense minded person could figure out what the hole was for. Some families had two holes in their outhouse. Their outhouse was thus called the "two-holler". Personally I could never figure out why two holes were necessary. Maybe it was necessary when diarrhea had struck the entire family at the same time. In that case the family would have probably needed a "four-holler".
The usual substitute for toilet tissue was a page torn out of last years copy of the Montgomery Ward catalogue.
The Kerosene Lamp.
Many households at this time did not have access to a power line. So the main source of light was to buy a kerosene lamp. These lamps are still available today and are used to provide light for hunters and campers in the wilderness. The lamps were a dependable, inexpensive source of light.
Some member of the community devised an innovative light source. I first became aware of this source as I riding with my father and noticed (as we passed one house) there was a electric wire extending from a power line into that house. I questioned my father about this and he quickly informed me that the people in that house were stealing electricity. He further explained that this was extremely dangerous. More than one person had been electrocuted as they attempted to tap into a power line. He also said the power company would only become aware of the theft as a neighbor or an employ of the power company noticed and reported the theft to the power company . The power company usually did not prosecute the thief since there was no meter involved and no one could determine how much electricity had been used. They just removed the illegal wire and tried to make it more difficult for the thief to commit the same theft in the future. They also submitted the name of the house owner to the police who promised to check the house on a regular basis.
Grandpa's wisdom -
The best way to prevent sagging is just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
A Good Senility Prayer- Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
My doctor told me to start my exercise program very gradually. So today I drove past a store that sells sweat pants.
The healthiest part of a donut is the hole. Unfortunately, you have to eat through the rest of the donut to get there.
A groaner - A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, the supply of the birds ran out, so the biologist had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he found two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
Grandpa loves all of you.
.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Memories of a 9 year old
An important discovery
I was in the third grade and discovered if I listened carefully, and concentrated, I could actually learn what the teacher was trying to teach us. I remember that day vividly. It seems the teacher had been droning on for hours about something and my mind had been wandering miles away.
When I finally came back to reality, I wondered what she had been talking about and decided to experiment. I would listen carefully and try to understand. I didn't think it would work but I would give it a try. What a surprise; I actually learned something. My schooling to this point had consisted of just being present. I now started to learn a few things and school started to be more fun.
The Ink Blob
Even though I started to learn a few things in school, I was actually a very slow learner in other areas of my life. Let me elaborate. One of the prizes I received in a box of Cracker Jacks was a small piece of metal that was painted black and shaped just like ink that had been spilled onto the surface of a table. The instructions said that the sight of that "ink blob" would cause your mother to suffer a terrific shock. That sounded fun.
One day my mother was preparing to entertain some of her friends. She had covered the table with her very special tablecloth and then left to go to the store. I analyzed the situation and decided this was the perfect time to shock my mother. I tried to find an empty ink bottle but was unsuccessful Naturally the next best solution was to use a full bottle of ink but make certain that the lid was screwed on very tight. The ink bottle was tipped on its side and the ink blob was carefully placed next to the bottle. It really looked realistic.
Mother soon returned from the store and as she walked into the room spied the "spilled" ink. She screamed and rushed to pick up the bottle. Sure enough, the joke had worked just like the Cracker Jack box said it would. My mother had suffered a terrific shock. I was delighted. I had scared the be-jabbers out of my mother. She didn't think it was as funny as I did.
Now for the rest of the story. I can't believe I was so dumb. Some six months or so later I happened to find my "ink blob" in my box of treasures. It must have been a slow day because I decided that my mother would have probably forgotten all about this joke. The process was repeated. The ink bottle was tipped on its side and the ink blob was carefully place. Mother came into the room, spied the ink bottle and completely ignored it. She walked out of the room for a few minutes but when she returned she noticed that the ink blob seemed to be growing. This did cause a reaction on her part. She gabbed the ink bottle and you guessed it. It had leaked real ink on the table..
My mother took this occasion to explain to me that she had serious concerns about the level of my intelligence. She also took possession of my ink blob and I never saw it again.
Grand Pa, regarding old age.
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know I sometimes just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my area code number, my telephone number, my passwords (most times), my zip code, my street address, my wives first name, etc. but I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
My elderly female friend gave up jogging for health because she said "her thighs kept rubbing together and setting her pantyhose on fire."
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
I'm looking for a new doctor. My old doctor said that the handle on my recliner does not qualify as an exercise machine.
I was in the third grade and discovered if I listened carefully, and concentrated, I could actually learn what the teacher was trying to teach us. I remember that day vividly. It seems the teacher had been droning on for hours about something and my mind had been wandering miles away.
When I finally came back to reality, I wondered what she had been talking about and decided to experiment. I would listen carefully and try to understand. I didn't think it would work but I would give it a try. What a surprise; I actually learned something. My schooling to this point had consisted of just being present. I now started to learn a few things and school started to be more fun.
The Ink Blob
Even though I started to learn a few things in school, I was actually a very slow learner in other areas of my life. Let me elaborate. One of the prizes I received in a box of Cracker Jacks was a small piece of metal that was painted black and shaped just like ink that had been spilled onto the surface of a table. The instructions said that the sight of that "ink blob" would cause your mother to suffer a terrific shock. That sounded fun.
One day my mother was preparing to entertain some of her friends. She had covered the table with her very special tablecloth and then left to go to the store. I analyzed the situation and decided this was the perfect time to shock my mother. I tried to find an empty ink bottle but was unsuccessful Naturally the next best solution was to use a full bottle of ink but make certain that the lid was screwed on very tight. The ink bottle was tipped on its side and the ink blob was carefully placed next to the bottle. It really looked realistic.
Mother soon returned from the store and as she walked into the room spied the "spilled" ink. She screamed and rushed to pick up the bottle. Sure enough, the joke had worked just like the Cracker Jack box said it would. My mother had suffered a terrific shock. I was delighted. I had scared the be-jabbers out of my mother. She didn't think it was as funny as I did.
Now for the rest of the story. I can't believe I was so dumb. Some six months or so later I happened to find my "ink blob" in my box of treasures. It must have been a slow day because I decided that my mother would have probably forgotten all about this joke. The process was repeated. The ink bottle was tipped on its side and the ink blob was carefully place. Mother came into the room, spied the ink bottle and completely ignored it. She walked out of the room for a few minutes but when she returned she noticed that the ink blob seemed to be growing. This did cause a reaction on her part. She gabbed the ink bottle and you guessed it. It had leaked real ink on the table..
My mother took this occasion to explain to me that she had serious concerns about the level of my intelligence. She also took possession of my ink blob and I never saw it again.
Grand Pa, regarding old age.
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know I sometimes just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my area code number, my telephone number, my passwords (most times), my zip code, my street address, my wives first name, etc. but I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
My elderly female friend gave up jogging for health because she said "her thighs kept rubbing together and setting her pantyhose on fire."
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
I'm looking for a new doctor. My old doctor said that the handle on my recliner does not qualify as an exercise machine.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Memories of the third grade
The BB Gun
When I was eight years old my Dad bought me a BB gun. I was given a few basic rules such as never point the gun at people; never shoot at good birds such as robins, bluebirds and canaries; and never shoot at glass insulators on the telephone poles. It was all right to shoot at sparrows, blackbirds and magpies. I believe I usually abided by these rules.
But I remember one time when I not only pointed the BB gun at a person but I actually shot at that person. I was sitting up in a tree house that I had built in a large tree that was located in our front yard. As I was busy shooting at Sparrows, a pretty young girl came walking along the ditch bank at the front of our house. She seemed to be looking for something in the ditch. For some reason I felt inspired to shoot her. The ditch bank was about seventy-five feet away from my tree house and I shot at her ten or twelve times but always missed. I was aiming at the lower part of her body and had no intention of really harming her. I just wanted to sting her a bit.
Some years latter I was dating this girl. She mentioned that one time she was walking past our home going to the rodeo. I asked her if she was looking for something in the ditch. She replied that she had previously seen a muskrat and was curious if it was still there. She asked "How did you know I was looking in the ditch?" "I noticed you and was overcome with your beauty", I replied. I may be dumb but I'm not stupid. I think if she had known I was shooting at her, she would never have dated me in the future. Yup, that girl was Joan, who I not only dated, but later married. I am sure that if I had hit her she would never have married someone who was so stupid to attempt to hit anyone with a BB gun.
The school Operetta
Every year the grade school presented a school operetta. This year it was Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. I was certain that with my voice I would be caste as the prince. Evidently my audition did not go well, since I was not chosen as the prince and I wasn't even chosen as one of the seven dwarfs. I was chosen, however, as a member of a backup group that was dressed in "long john" underwear that the mothers had to dye black. We had a black hood, with eye and mouth holes, placed over our heads and were allowed to sing one song. After the performance my mother told me I had performed exceptionally well. Later in life she told me she absolutely was unable to identify me. So much for my musical career.
The times tables
I also learned the times tables through twelve in the third grade. Most of the credit for this belongs with my sister, Buffie. I had let it slip that I was supposed to learn the tables. Even though I didn't take this assignment seriously, Buffie did. I can still remember sitting on the kitchen counter and reciting the times tables to her each day after we both had returned home from school. She wouldn't let me go out and play until we had spent some time practicing. Eventually I learned them perfectly. I wonder if today eight year old students have to memorize the times tables through 12? They probably just learn how turn on their smart phones.
Grandpa's Wisdom, an explanation of life. If I knew the real author, I'd have give him or her credit.
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years. 'The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, be merry and enjoy your life. For this I'll give you twenty years.' But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God. 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
When I was eight years old my Dad bought me a BB gun. I was given a few basic rules such as never point the gun at people; never shoot at good birds such as robins, bluebirds and canaries; and never shoot at glass insulators on the telephone poles. It was all right to shoot at sparrows, blackbirds and magpies. I believe I usually abided by these rules.
But I remember one time when I not only pointed the BB gun at a person but I actually shot at that person. I was sitting up in a tree house that I had built in a large tree that was located in our front yard. As I was busy shooting at Sparrows, a pretty young girl came walking along the ditch bank at the front of our house. She seemed to be looking for something in the ditch. For some reason I felt inspired to shoot her. The ditch bank was about seventy-five feet away from my tree house and I shot at her ten or twelve times but always missed. I was aiming at the lower part of her body and had no intention of really harming her. I just wanted to sting her a bit.
Some years latter I was dating this girl. She mentioned that one time she was walking past our home going to the rodeo. I asked her if she was looking for something in the ditch. She replied that she had previously seen a muskrat and was curious if it was still there. She asked "How did you know I was looking in the ditch?" "I noticed you and was overcome with your beauty", I replied. I may be dumb but I'm not stupid. I think if she had known I was shooting at her, she would never have dated me in the future. Yup, that girl was Joan, who I not only dated, but later married. I am sure that if I had hit her she would never have married someone who was so stupid to attempt to hit anyone with a BB gun.
The school Operetta
Every year the grade school presented a school operetta. This year it was Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. I was certain that with my voice I would be caste as the prince. Evidently my audition did not go well, since I was not chosen as the prince and I wasn't even chosen as one of the seven dwarfs. I was chosen, however, as a member of a backup group that was dressed in "long john" underwear that the mothers had to dye black. We had a black hood, with eye and mouth holes, placed over our heads and were allowed to sing one song. After the performance my mother told me I had performed exceptionally well. Later in life she told me she absolutely was unable to identify me. So much for my musical career.
The times tables
I also learned the times tables through twelve in the third grade. Most of the credit for this belongs with my sister, Buffie. I had let it slip that I was supposed to learn the tables. Even though I didn't take this assignment seriously, Buffie did. I can still remember sitting on the kitchen counter and reciting the times tables to her each day after we both had returned home from school. She wouldn't let me go out and play until we had spent some time practicing. Eventually I learned them perfectly. I wonder if today eight year old students have to memorize the times tables through 12? They probably just learn how turn on their smart phones.
Grandpa's Wisdom, an explanation of life. If I knew the real author, I'd have give him or her credit.
On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years. 'The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, be merry and enjoy your life. For this I'll give you twenty years.' But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God. 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
The Itchy Suit
Age 7
About two weeks before Christmas I discovered a box hidden behind a dresser in Mom's bedroom. The box was just the right size for an electric train. My cup runneth over. I was going to get my heart's desire for Christmas. All good things come to those righteous children who patiently wait. My dreams had come true and my prayers had been answered. I could hardly wait for Christmas morning..
When I was a young boy, I hated church meetings. Attending church was sheer torture for me. I can still remember the feelings of frustration, anger and rebellion I felt as I sat in Primary or Sunday school or Sacrament Meetings. When church was over, I wouldn't wait to ride home with my parents. I would run the five blocks home and change into an old comfortable pair of Levi's and a T-shirt. It was like being reprieved from prison or rescued from a pit of snakes or awakened from a scary nightmare. This was real peace.
Above all, I hated to wear a hot itchy suit that my mother had bought for me. I suppose I hated that suit because it was the cause of one of the greatest disappointments in my life.
One of my cousins received an electric train for Christmas. After playing with his train, I learned personally what coveting meant. I wanted an electric train more than anything else. I did, however, agree in my own mind, to be patient until the following Christmas. But I did mention electric trains whenever possible during the year. Finally December arrived and I mounted an intensive campaign to make certain that both Mother and Dad knew what I wanted.
One of my cousins received an electric train for Christmas. After playing with his train, I learned personally what coveting meant. I wanted an electric train more than anything else. I did, however, agree in my own mind, to be patient until the following Christmas. But I did mention electric trains whenever possible during the year. Finally December arrived and I mounted an intensive campaign to make certain that both Mother and Dad knew what I wanted.
About two weeks before Christmas I discovered a box hidden behind a dresser in Mom's bedroom. The box was just the right size for an electric train. My cup runneth over. I was going to get my heart's desire for Christmas. All good things come to those righteous children who patiently wait. My dreams had come true and my prayers had been answered. I could hardly wait for Christmas morning..
At last the special moment arrived. I had been practicing the surprise I would show when I opened the box and found the answer to my dreams. Christmas morning I made a bee-line for the big box that was under the tree. All other boxes and presents were ignored. The train box was quickly removed from under the tree and the wrapping shredded off. I opened the box, and there was a real surprise. Instead of an electric train there was an itchy Sunday suit.
I never did like that suit. I never did get an electric train.
Grandpa's wisdom and humor.
"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed; If you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. - Mark Twain.
An older man, (just 1 year from retirement) seems preoccupied one day at lunch. His friend asks if there is some problem.
"Yes," the man says, "My broker called me this morning and said, 'Remember that stock we bought and I told you you'd be able to retire at age 65?'". The man sighs deeply, then says, "I told him I did." Then he tells me, 'Well, your retirement age is now 108.'".
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain.
Youth looks ahead, old age looks back, and middle age just looks tired.
"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed; If you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. - Mark Twain.
An older man, (just 1 year from retirement) seems preoccupied one day at lunch. His friend asks if there is some problem.
"Yes," the man says, "My broker called me this morning and said, 'Remember that stock we bought and I told you you'd be able to retire at age 65?'". The man sighs deeply, then says, "I told him I did." Then he tells me, 'Well, your retirement age is now 108.'".
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress . . . But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain.
Youth looks ahead, old age looks back, and middle age just looks tired.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Preparing chickens for the fry pan.
I know I've already mentioned the butchering of chickens as one of the many farm family activities involving my mother. However, in the event that one of the ten readers of this blog is planning to raise and eat chickens in the future, following is a detailed, no fail, essential instruction sheet for success in this venture. If you follow these instructions, a delicious meal of fried chickens will be the result.
CAUTION, CAUTION, Viewer discretion is advised. These instructions may be offensive to some viewers. If you are a member of PETA it may be wise to stop reading at this point.
Instruction #1 - It is far better to butcher a chicken in the evening. The chickens have roosted and you can quickly grab a chicken off the roost. If you prefer to do this in daylight hours, be prepared for a lengthy chase around the farm yard.
Instruction #2 - Choosing the chicken to be your next delicious meal. You never choose a chicken to be your next meal if the chicken is laying eggs. There are two ways of determining this. One, you can move a chair into the chicken house and for twenty-four hours closely watch whether or not the chicken lays an egg. This is the preferred method for those of you who have way to much time on your hands. But, this method interferes with watching your favorite soup box drama or sporting event on TV. Why, you ask.
Because there is no TV in the chicken house.
The second way to determine if a chicken is laying eggs may be a bit repulsive to some of the human female gender. You simply grab the chicken, turn it upside down, and feel for two bones in the rear-end of the chicken. Remember, you are looking for bones only. Don't become intrigued or confused as to why you are examining the rear-end of the chicken. If the two bones are close together, the chicken is not laying eggs and should be scheduled for the cooking pot. If, on the other hand, the two bones are well separated you can assume that the chicken is now laying eggs and should be given preferential treatment.
Instruction #3 - Choosing the method of killing the chicken. Some farmers prefer using a chopping block. They have placed a large tree-stump near the chicken house. They also have a sharp ax close at hand and when the correct chicken is identified, -- chop! off goes the head. On the other hand some farmers do not have a tree stump available and have a hard time locating any tools including an ax. Therefore, they simply grab the chicken firmly by the head and swing it around over their head. After a few swings the head of the chicken departs form the body. Either of these methods are equally effective. See, I warned all PETA members and those easily offended, not read this blog.
Instruction #4 - It is preferable to have an assistant while butchering the chicken. The reason for this is that the chicken refuses to die peacefully. Once the head is separated, the chicken does not lie down gracefully, but rather flip-flops around the farmyard looking for its lost head. Some times the flip-flops moves the chicken some distance from the point of the butchering. Since this butchering mostly occurs at night the chicken can easily be lost. The assistant can keep track of each of the butchered chickens.
Instruction #5 - What do you do with feathers? I've never heard of anyone eating the feathers, therefore they must be removed before the chicken is fried. As the chickens were being "butchered" a large kettle of boiling water is being prepared on a stove in the farm house. The butchered chickens are returned to the house and then placed in the boiling water for a short time. The purpose of this is that the feathers can then be removed very quickly and easily. Without this step, it would take several hours to removed all the feathers from a single chicken. These feathers are usually saved and used to fill future pillows and cushions.
Instruction #6 - What about the insides of the chicken? Good question. We certainly do not want the insides to be included as part of the fried chicken. This is quickly solved by a few precise strokes of a sharp knife. The chicken is quickly "degutted" and the insides are fed to any cats or dogs that may be hanging around. Some farmers salvage the gizzard and heart claiming these parts are especially tasty.
This completes the instructions for preparing a chicken for the frying pan. If you feel these instructions qualify as a civic service then a monetary donation will not be rejected. However, if this message causes you to vomit and be thoroughly disgusted, then I don't want to hear about it. You were warned and therefore you don't stand a chance in Hell of winning a legal suit against the author of this blog.
CAUTION, CAUTION, Viewer discretion is advised. These instructions may be offensive to some viewers. If you are a member of PETA it may be wise to stop reading at this point.
Instruction #1 - It is far better to butcher a chicken in the evening. The chickens have roosted and you can quickly grab a chicken off the roost. If you prefer to do this in daylight hours, be prepared for a lengthy chase around the farm yard.
Instruction #2 - Choosing the chicken to be your next delicious meal. You never choose a chicken to be your next meal if the chicken is laying eggs. There are two ways of determining this. One, you can move a chair into the chicken house and for twenty-four hours closely watch whether or not the chicken lays an egg. This is the preferred method for those of you who have way to much time on your hands. But, this method interferes with watching your favorite soup box drama or sporting event on TV. Why, you ask.
Because there is no TV in the chicken house.
The second way to determine if a chicken is laying eggs may be a bit repulsive to some of the human female gender. You simply grab the chicken, turn it upside down, and feel for two bones in the rear-end of the chicken. Remember, you are looking for bones only. Don't become intrigued or confused as to why you are examining the rear-end of the chicken. If the two bones are close together, the chicken is not laying eggs and should be scheduled for the cooking pot. If, on the other hand, the two bones are well separated you can assume that the chicken is now laying eggs and should be given preferential treatment.
Instruction #3 - Choosing the method of killing the chicken. Some farmers prefer using a chopping block. They have placed a large tree-stump near the chicken house. They also have a sharp ax close at hand and when the correct chicken is identified, -- chop! off goes the head. On the other hand some farmers do not have a tree stump available and have a hard time locating any tools including an ax. Therefore, they simply grab the chicken firmly by the head and swing it around over their head. After a few swings the head of the chicken departs form the body. Either of these methods are equally effective. See, I warned all PETA members and those easily offended, not read this blog.
Instruction #4 - It is preferable to have an assistant while butchering the chicken. The reason for this is that the chicken refuses to die peacefully. Once the head is separated, the chicken does not lie down gracefully, but rather flip-flops around the farmyard looking for its lost head. Some times the flip-flops moves the chicken some distance from the point of the butchering. Since this butchering mostly occurs at night the chicken can easily be lost. The assistant can keep track of each of the butchered chickens.
Instruction #5 - What do you do with feathers? I've never heard of anyone eating the feathers, therefore they must be removed before the chicken is fried. As the chickens were being "butchered" a large kettle of boiling water is being prepared on a stove in the farm house. The butchered chickens are returned to the house and then placed in the boiling water for a short time. The purpose of this is that the feathers can then be removed very quickly and easily. Without this step, it would take several hours to removed all the feathers from a single chicken. These feathers are usually saved and used to fill future pillows and cushions.
Instruction #6 - What about the insides of the chicken? Good question. We certainly do not want the insides to be included as part of the fried chicken. This is quickly solved by a few precise strokes of a sharp knife. The chicken is quickly "degutted" and the insides are fed to any cats or dogs that may be hanging around. Some farmers salvage the gizzard and heart claiming these parts are especially tasty.
This completes the instructions for preparing a chicken for the frying pan. If you feel these instructions qualify as a civic service then a monetary donation will not be rejected. However, if this message causes you to vomit and be thoroughly disgusted, then I don't want to hear about it. You were warned and therefore you don't stand a chance in Hell of winning a legal suit against the author of this blog.
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