My cousin, "Louie"

My father came from a large family.  He had eleven brothers and sisters.  Three of these brothers had built homes in our neighborhood.  So,( for good or evil) I always had cousins close by.  My favorite Hatch cousin was "Louie".  He was about five years older than I was and was my idol.

One of my first memories of Louie was watching him sneak up behind a cow out in the pasture behind his house. He would grab the tail of the cow and then let out a piercing scream.  The cow was certain that a lion was behind her and would streak down through the pasture at her top speed with Louie holding on to her tail.  Louie would only touch the ground about every fourth step.  He thought that was the most fun thing in the whole world to do. Unfortunately, the cows belong to another uncle.  He wanted to kill Louie because he said it frightened the cows so badly they stopped giving milk. He threatened to sue Louie's father if he didn't get control of that kid.  

Louie was also the purveyor in the neighborhood of all news concerning Santa Claus and sex.  As soon as he discovered any new fact of life, off he would go and tell every kid in the neighborhood regardless of their age.  Personally, I believe the parents were secretly relieved they didn't have to explain the facts of life to their children.  They just waited for Louie.

Louie was the star halfback on the high school football team.  He was always good for two or three touchdowns a game.  I believe that Louie would receive the football and then just imagine that he had a grip on a cow's tail and away he wold go down the football field.

Louie was drafted into the military during the Second World War.  He wanted to drive a tank and was  accepted for training.  I found out later that Louie washed out of the training.  The trainers complained that Louie was always losing control of the tank and driving through a barracks or getting the tank stuck in a creek.  At this point Louie stopped being my idol.  Surely anyone should be able to drive a tank without running into a building.

Since I now qualify as a senior citizen, I think I will pass on to my Blog readers some useful information I have gleaned over the years.

Why should 80-plus old people always use valet parking?  Because valets don't forget where they parked your car.

Where can men over the age of 80 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?  Try a bookstore, under fiction.

How can you increase the heart rate of your over 80-year-old husband? Tell him you're pregnant.

I hope you appreciated this senior citizen wisdom.